The Onion reports:

LOS ANGELES—Police officers arrested Tina Turner this week on suspicion of arson, reckless endangerment, and insurance fraud, following allegations that the legendary R&B singer burned down her legs for financial gain. …

“At first it appeared to be just another accidental fire,” lead detective Jason Hendricks said. “However, something about Ms. Turner’s story didn’t add up. She claimed to have gone to the store, only to return an hour later and find her lower half already in flames. Yet evidence seems to suggest that Ms. Turner was at the scene of the crime the entire time.”