This has been making the rounds on Facebook. No idea who wrote it, but it did make me laugh:

A recent report now says that the Mozart effect is yet another charming urban legend. The bad news for hip urban professionals: playing Mozart for your designer baby will not improve his IQ or help him get into that exclusive pre-school. He will just have to get admitted to Harvard some other way.

Of course, we’re all better off listening to Mozart purely for the pleasure of it. However, one must wonder whether, if playing Mozart sonatas for little Tiffany or Jason really could boost his or her intelligence, what would happen if other composers were played during the kiddies’ developmental time?

LISZT EFFECT:
Child speaks rapidly and extravagantly, but never really says anything important.

BRUCKNER EFFECT:
Child speaks v-e-r-y slowly and repeats himself frequently and at length. Gains reputation for profundity.

WAGNER EFFECT:
Child becomes a egocentric megalomaniac. May eventually marry his sister.

MAHLER EFFECT:
Child continually screams–at great length and volume–that he’s dying.

SCHOENBERG EFFECT:
Child never repeats a word until he’s used all the other words in his vocabulary. Sometimes talks backwards. Eventually, people stop listening to him. Child blames them for their inability to understand him.

IVES EFFECT:
The child develops a remarkable ability to carry on several separate conversations at once, in various dialects.

GLASS EFFECT:
The child tends to repeat himself over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again.

STRAVINSKY EFFECT:
The child is prone to savage, guttural and profane outbursts that often lead to fighting and pandemonium in the preschool.

BRAHMS EFFECT:
The child is able to speak beautifully as long as his sentences contain a multiple of three words (3, 6, 9, 12, etc). However, his sentences containing 4 or 8 words are strangely uninspired.

CAGE EFFECT:
Child says nothing for 4 minutes, 33 seconds–exactly.

A recent study has determined that the CAGE EFFECT is preferred by 10 out of 10 classroom teachers.